HELP! Brain Shutting down, can't read HTML

Ok, I need some help!

I have been trying to make an "Adoption Button" (that all of you can put on your blogs, wink wink) and am obviously having some trouble.  As you can see the link is to the right, but for some reason I can't attach the picture.  I am sure I just have the html wrong, but I don't have the brain power to figure it out right now.  I am using a file I uploaded to Photobucket, and *I think* I may be using the wrong code from there, but really...who knows what I am doing wrong!

So, I am sure that one of you know how to do this, and you will help a "Sister" out... 

 (and then you will add the button to your page, right?!)

Thanks!

Moving Day

So today is the big day!!

(Ok technically we close today and Tommy and I are going to be moving some stuff to the house today.  Tomorrow is the "Official Moving Day"

However, THIS is the day when we can actually put

OUR stuff in OUR house!)

It actually feels pretty unreal.  We have been "in between" houses for quite a while, so the thought of moving into our own place seems almost foreign.  But it is a language I am loving, that is for sure!

My parents have been so wonderful to put up with us for so long.  I am sure it was hard on them to not have their own space... we did kind of take over.  (Before I started packing two days ago, I was thinking 'No Biggie, we don't have that much stuff here, most of it is in storage'  While that is true, most of our stuff is in storage, I was shocked to see how much CRAP we had here.  I joke that we will need to have a garage sale when we are all moved in! haha) 

 But hopefully we weren't too much of a nuisance. 

 Graham would only occasionally go into their room in the middle of the night... I would only occasionally forget to move my laundry to the dryer... Tommy and I would only occasionally take one of their parking spots... Sophie would only occasionally scratch at the door to be let back in...

And hopefully what we contributed helped if we were complete annoyances

Sometimes I would make dinner... Sometimes Tommy would mow the law... Sometimes I would clean the house... Sometimes Tommy would do the dishes... Always Graham would give hugs and kisses when my parents were leaving...Sometimes I would pick weeds... Sometimes Graham would sweep the rocks outside...

But I am sure we all are very excited for this day to FINALLY be here!

I will miss the "free rent" though... 

(and if you want to help, come on by... not sure what I will have you do, but I am sure there is something to do! Or if you just want to come see it... that's ok too)

Kids have nothing to hide!

So a couple weeks ago we met some friends from preschool at Chick-Fil-A

Graham had quite a blast playing with his two buddies from last year (they are in different classes this year)

It was right during the lunch rush, and Graham runs past our table toward the front counter and yells

"I have to go pee!"

(yeah, it was loud)

Then he runs toward the bathroom.

I got up to go with him and he ran into the men's before I could catch him.

I knew the best thing was to stand by the door and wait for him

After a minute or so, he opens the door and begins telling me something.

I look at him and his pants are down around his ankles!!

I interrupted him and told him to pull up his pants

(I mean, people ARE trying to eat you know!)

He interrupts me to continue with what he wants to tell me, and then I interrupt him and tell him to

Pull Up His Pants!

This back a forth goes on a few more times and then I concede. 

I listen to what he has to say, then I tell him to pull up his pants.

He says "ok" as he shuts the door....

but not before his two buddies run in there with him.

I continue to wait outside, knowing Graham is done. 

All I hear is three little boys laughing and making noise.

Finally, I had to knock on the door to tell them to come out... I really hope they didn't destroy the bathroom, but I guess I will never know!

This story just reminded me of the innocence of children, Graham had no problem coming out of the bathroom with his pants down to his shoes to tell me something.  I wish we could all be that confident (or oblivious) of what others are thinking about us!

How to Uplift

After my last post, I have been wondering how to follow that up...  Like I said, I am a fairly optimistic person and I feel like I need a happy post... mostly for me but also for all you out there that are tired of seeing me whine about the hand I have been dealt :) Through all of this I have learned a lot.  Tommy gave me a priesthood blessing a few days after we returned home.  In it I was told to count my blessings.  Over the last month (and one day, but who is counting?) I have done that more than I ever have.  I have found joy and happiness in what I do have, and remembering how truly blessed I am has made this easier (no, not easy... easier).  Everyday I find things that are so small (seeming insignificant probably to others) that truly are blessings in my life.  I think in my mind "I am so grateful for..."  I guess that is one thing I have learned from this, I have learned to appreciate all the small (and large) blessings I have.  I dare all of you to do this throughout your day, and I promise that you will be more happy (even if things aren't exactly going your way).
So I decided to make a list... now, I am starting this list at 11:42pm so keep in mind, I am tired and this is not comprehensive by any means (and they are in no particular order, I am just typing as the thoughts come).

I am Grateful for:

1.  My husband.  There have been many a time that I gloat that I have the best husband out there... well, I really feel that way.  He is not perfect and neither am I, but we are perfect for each other.  I am grateful that he will hold me when I cry.  I am grateful that he picks up my slack and will do the laundry or whatever else needs to be done.  I am grateful that he is an amazing dad... it really says something when your son cries every morning when Tommy leaves for work.  I am so grateful that he honors his Priesthood, that at any time I can ask for a blessing and know that he is worthy to deliever one.  I am grateful that he is extremely service oriented - he is a great example to me of sacrifice. I am grateful that he talks to me, about everything.  I am grateful for the way we are able to communicate and try to work through a problem or struggle together.

2.  Graham.  How lucky am I that I have this awesome kid around all day?!?!  And that he calls me "Mom"?!?!  I am grateful that he will give me hugs and kisses whenever I ask for it (and even when I don't).  I am grateful that he is so passionate.  I am grateful that he is loving and accepting of everyone.  I am grateful that he wants to be a big brother.  I am grateful for his temper tantrums, that I can help him to learn and grow, just like my Father in Heaven is trying to help me learn and grow (when I throw my temper tantrums).  I am grateful for his laugh, because it makes me laugh.  I am grateful for his tender heart.

3.  Faithful friends.  Most of the guidance and comfort I have recieved is from those who understand.  While it makes me sad that they have been through similiar situations, there definitely is strength in numbers.  I love each of them.  I am grateful for friends who have not been through situations like this but have reached out to me and have helped me carry the load.

4.  Family.  Who know there is nothing to say, but are just there for us.  I am grateful that they make us laugh and help us forget our sorrows.  I am grateful that we are sealed.  That we will be together forever, even in the life after death. 

5.  Email.  Yeah, NEVER thought I would say that!!  I usually stay away from all things that have to do with technological communication, most people get my voicemail before they ever talk to me for this reason; however, email has been one of my saving graces through all of this.  When I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it (because no one would be able to understand a word through the blubbering) I could write... and they responded!  In the same breath, I am thankful for Facebook.  I am thankful that I was able to communicate privately with friends that otherwise I would not have been able to.

6.  Prayer.  There have been many times I don't even know what to pray for and I tend to ramble and get distracted, but I still know that Heavenly Father is listening.  He knows me, loves me and is trying to help me get through this trial.  Many people don't have that knowledge, that we are Children of God.  I think it has been so engrained into me that I don't fully appreciate the peace that knowledge brings.  I am grateful to know I am a daughter of God and He loves me.

7.  Jesus.  Enough said, right?  Without Him, I wouldn't get out of bed.  I am grateful for a dear friend that taught me more about the Atonement of my Savior.  That taught me, to find Christ; to read of Him, and learn of Him, is to find peace and healing.  I have always known how the Atonement helps the sinner, but I have now learned how He heals the broken heart.  Matt 11:29 "...learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls."  I am grateful for that new knowledge, it is something that I will always cherish.

8.  My Calling.  I am a Relief Society teacher and I have been preparing my lesson for the end of the month.  It is Pres. Uchtdorf's talk on Patience... how fitting!  But it is an unbelievable talk and I have found peace in his words (if you haven't read it, do!!!  It was from April's Priesthood session).  Patience is Godly.

9.  My House.  In less than two weeks we close on our new house.  I am grateful for the opportunity we have to buy a home.  It has been a blessing everyday that I go to see it, and something new is happening... the walls are painted, the cabinets are in, the carpet is laid.  It has been something to look forward to even when I don't want to look forward.  I am grateful for the road that God has taken us on the last year (or so) to get us where we are. 

10.  Sophie.  My dog is so sweet and I think she has been extra lovey to me lately.  I am grateful that she finally learned how to play fetch, it supplies Graham and I with hours of entertainment. 

11.  My Visiting Teaching Companion.  Lori, You are Awesome!  I am grateful that we stood in the middle of the street last night and talked for two hours about everything.  I am grateful for the friendship that has grown because of your concern for me.  I am grateful that I had someone at church, even when I thought I didn't.

12.  A Past Relief Society President, and dear friend.  Shelly, she is a rock and I pull strength from her.  I am grateful that she sacrificed several hours from her life (on short notice) for me.  I am grateful for all that she has taught me over the last 6 years, especially what she has taught me in the last month.

13.  Cheap Berries.  Seriously!  I bought cheap berries and made Jam, and it made me happy when not much else would.  I am grateful for the motivation I had to make Jam, I needed that and it definitely didn't come from myself!

14.  Crisp Morning Air.  I love fall and am grateful for the change of season.  It actually seems fitting : a change of a season.  It makes me think of Ecclesiastes (or the Beattles, whichever)   

15.  Caprese Salad for Breakfast.  It's what I had today and it was delicious.  It is one of my favorite things.

16.  A Job.  My own as well as Tommy's.  I am grateful for how many new clients I have.  I am grateful that I have been busy since I have been back from TX, I know it is a blessing from God.  I am grateful for Tommy's job; that he can take a day off to go on Graham's field trip with us, for a knowledge of job security(as much as you can have right now at least), for the caring people that work with him, and that I am able to stay home with Graham because he is able to provide for our family.

17.  My Personality.  I know it is actually one of my "gifts".  And what a gift it is to be able to (and want to) smile and to laugh.

... so it isn't much, and it isn't all...  But I am so blessed.  Counting your blessings does help uplift you, I can attest to that.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,

And you will be siging as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings name them one by one. 

Count your blessings see what God has done.

The Truth to the Question "How Are You?"

I have a hard time opening up. I tend to be overly emotional about things, and cry more than I really need to. Over the last few weeks I have contemplated sharing my deepest emotions with the entire Internet, and here I am, writing this post. I try to be an optimistic person and stay strong even when I really just want to stomp my feet and scream "it isn't fair!!" (Maybe that is where my 5 year old gets it from)

The last several years of my life I have been met with trial and disappointment, one right after the other. Through it all I have maintained my composure and tried to learn or grow from these experiences. However, the last few weeks have really shaken my strong facade.

We had the very exciting experience to drive to San Antonio, TX to adopt a baby. We drove through the night and straight to the hospital to meet our birth parents and their baby. Oh, they were so wonderful! I was so excited to finally meet them, to hug them and tell them what amazing people they were. We all hit it off right away, everything was perfect. We got to hold a beautiful tiny infant in our arms and for the first time in a long time felt the joy that comes from child birth.
Before I go on, let me diverge for a while...Infertility makes you feel certain things that you wouldn't normally feel. I was usually very supportive of my (bazillion) friends around me popping out babies left and right. When asked when we would have more children I would make a joke about why we still only had one..."Graham is so wild, I am not sure I can handle more than him". That was just a lie. A lie that made the truth not hurt so much. I took the easy way out, no one really wanted to know why we only had one child anyway, did they? I guess I will never know. That ship had sailed and those conversations are far in the past. Infertility has made me more sensitive to "harmless" comments all around me. "This is the pregnant corner", "Do you want to take mine? He is driving me crazy!" "Are you going to have more kids?" "Don't you think he needs a sibling?" "I'm pregnant and it was an accident". The list could go on and on. I know that most of my family, friends, and associates don't understand what it is like and I try not to take it out on them. I have been pretty good at creating a thick skin these last 5 years, until now...
So we held this precious baby in our arms, thinking she would be coming home with us in just a few short days. After some much needed rest, we returned to the hospital toting gifts and clothing for our birth parents and the baby. We told our birth parents a name we had thought of, and they loved it. They thought it was so perfect they actually changed the birth certificate to reflect the name we had chosen verses the one they had picked just a few hours earlier. After a few hours we returned to our hotel to get some sleep. The next day I woke up more joyful than I have been in a very long time. It was not mere happiness, I could be happy from a good hair day or reading an uplifting article; it was pure joy. All of you who have held your "only hours old" baby know this feeling. As far as we knew, she was going to be ours; our birth parents made that very clear to us in the hospital. We returned that night. While in the hospital we tried to spend more time talking with our birth parents than doting over the baby, we wanted them to know that we cared about them, it wasn't just about adopting a baby. We were adopting them too. Even now, I call them "my" birth parents... They are a part of my life, though I may never see them again. When we left the hospital that night everything seemed great. We knew adoption was not an easy decision to make, nor one that would come without severe sadness for our birth parents. For the next day, they would sign a piece of paper that would relinquish their rights as parents. Easier said than done, and we found that to be true. Our third day in San Antonio we received a phone call at 7am telling us that our birth parents had changed their minds. I remember the first words out of Tommy's mouth "You're kidding me?!" It was all surreal, like one big mistake. The caseworker that gave us this devastating news told us we could pick up the gifts at the hospital. I had a feeling to go to the hospital then and there, I threw on some clothes and didn't even worry about brushing my teeth. When we arrived in the maternity ward we were met with antagonistic nurses. Just the night before they had been so kind and welcoming and now we received looks like "What are you doing here?" I am not sure what I was hoping would happen, I guess I at least wanted to say goodbye one last time. To us, this felt like a death. We would never see these three people again. Throughout the entire day, Tommy and I wondered how to go on, what happened, and WHY?
She was born exactly three weeks ago today. The first week being home was horrible. We would look at the pictures we took and long to go back a week. Then I started feeling better. I thought, wow, I am going to be okay. I felt like showering again, making dinner - yeah, I could do that. So many people told me I needed to grieve like this was a death. I had looked up the stages and it seemed like I had plowed right through them. Man was I wrong. Each day is a new day and I try to count all the little blessings in my life, it helps keep me grounded, it helps me to deal with the pain I feel. I feel really bad saying this, but this is the first time that I am not happy for those around me who are pregnant or just having children. I see strangers with their baby carriers and just want to scream. But the thing is, I have no idea what they went through to have that baby... It could have been a "surprise" pregnancy (which I tell myself that it wasn't to make myself feel better) but they could have gone through all that I have. Honestly, and here is my weak side shining through, it still gets to me and it still hurts. It hurts because I imagine myself carrying a three week old baby around and I am not. I am jealous. I want what they have so badly and have no way of making it happen on my own. I have to rely on someone to be so self-sacrificing that they would want more for their child than for themselves. Those souls are hard to come by.
I do want to make one thing completely clear, I still love my birth parents. Though I am hurt and frustrated by their decision I cannot make them my enemies. I wish they could realize what we could have given to her that they are not able to but I cannot change the past and I cannot make that decision for them. I know that they love their daughter very much, as do we. And every August 15 we will remember her, I am sure I will count her birthdays just like any parent that has lost a child.
Many people may say "It will happen when it is right" or something along those lines. Those words hold no hope for me. This is not the first failed adoption we have had, it is the third (this year). The previous ones fell through prior to the birth of the baby. I have heard many times in my life that the Holy Ghost is the only one that can bring peace; this adoption, this baby, was the first one that I felt peace about. It felt so right it couldn't be wrong. And yet, it did not happen.
I hope that we will have the opportunity to meet a birth mother that has the support she needs in order to place her baby for adoption. After what we have been through, it truly seems like a foreign concept. But we are keeping the faith, the faith that God knows us and knows where we have been. Faith that the confirmation from the Holy Ghost to continue with adoption means that we will one day be able to bring home a sweet spirit child into our home to raise. It is scary. We have to put ourselves out there again, but the hope that we can feel that much joy again is worth all the pain.

"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It is something quite magical." -Nicole Kidman

Just Call Me "Sucker"

So this morning I went to the airport to pick up my friend, Ashli

When we got to her house, I helped bring in some of her luggage.

Her husband says "Did you see those caterpillars?"

"Where?" we all replied...

And sure enough there were four caterpillars on their porch.

Knowing how much Graham would like to see them, I asked for a container...

Why do I do this to myself???

I know, it's because I love to see Graham light up :)

These are called American Dagger Caterpillars.

Supposedly the black "lashes" on their backs are poisonous...

as in they might cause skin irriation.

I told Graham that he couldn't touch these...

1. Because I don't want him to get a rash and

2. Because it would be cool if they turned into butterflies

I am thinking that they will probably die because Ashli said that she sprayed her porch with pesticides about a month ago...

and they aren't lookin' too good.

But really that is ok, because after I did some google research (don't you just LOVE google?  I sure do!!!) I found out that it is actually a moth caterpillar...

this is what it will turn into...

So, maybe I am prejudice... I want our caterpillar that turns into a butterfly to live,

and the caterpillars that turn into moths I kinda want to perish... ok not kinda, hehe.

But who really wants more moths flying into their homes this year because they are attracted to the lights on inside...

Moths must not be very smart for this reason, because in our house they die (with help of coarse) very quickly

(on a side note, I also think deer are extremely dumb.  We travel A LOT and always see deer remains on the side of the road, but do we ever see antelope remains?  No!  So deer and moths are dumb, antelope and butterflies... well, they are at least smarter than their counterparts)

As I was driving home with these caterpillars (and before I found out they would turn into these nasty fuzzy things pictured above) I was thinking about how excited Graham would be.

(and he was, he said these exact words "Thank you, thank you, thank you mommy! Thank you for the surprise!")

So that is why I am a sucker.  I am a sucker because I love to see Graham happy.  He was close to joyful at the sight of these little yellow insects...

But I also have realized something...

I was excited too.

I have been blaming preschool for his love of all things "wild" but maybe he actually gets it from me.  It is really difficult to admit this, but I think I am (partly... I am not accepting all the responsiblity) the cause of this "love"

I guess it could be worse :)