The Truth to the Question "How Are You?"

I have a hard time opening up. I tend to be overly emotional about things, and cry more than I really need to. Over the last few weeks I have contemplated sharing my deepest emotions with the entire Internet, and here I am, writing this post. I try to be an optimistic person and stay strong even when I really just want to stomp my feet and scream "it isn't fair!!" (Maybe that is where my 5 year old gets it from)

The last several years of my life I have been met with trial and disappointment, one right after the other. Through it all I have maintained my composure and tried to learn or grow from these experiences. However, the last few weeks have really shaken my strong facade.

We had the very exciting experience to drive to San Antonio, TX to adopt a baby. We drove through the night and straight to the hospital to meet our birth parents and their baby. Oh, they were so wonderful! I was so excited to finally meet them, to hug them and tell them what amazing people they were. We all hit it off right away, everything was perfect. We got to hold a beautiful tiny infant in our arms and for the first time in a long time felt the joy that comes from child birth.
Before I go on, let me diverge for a while...Infertility makes you feel certain things that you wouldn't normally feel. I was usually very supportive of my (bazillion) friends around me popping out babies left and right. When asked when we would have more children I would make a joke about why we still only had one..."Graham is so wild, I am not sure I can handle more than him". That was just a lie. A lie that made the truth not hurt so much. I took the easy way out, no one really wanted to know why we only had one child anyway, did they? I guess I will never know. That ship had sailed and those conversations are far in the past. Infertility has made me more sensitive to "harmless" comments all around me. "This is the pregnant corner", "Do you want to take mine? He is driving me crazy!" "Are you going to have more kids?" "Don't you think he needs a sibling?" "I'm pregnant and it was an accident". The list could go on and on. I know that most of my family, friends, and associates don't understand what it is like and I try not to take it out on them. I have been pretty good at creating a thick skin these last 5 years, until now...
So we held this precious baby in our arms, thinking she would be coming home with us in just a few short days. After some much needed rest, we returned to the hospital toting gifts and clothing for our birth parents and the baby. We told our birth parents a name we had thought of, and they loved it. They thought it was so perfect they actually changed the birth certificate to reflect the name we had chosen verses the one they had picked just a few hours earlier. After a few hours we returned to our hotel to get some sleep. The next day I woke up more joyful than I have been in a very long time. It was not mere happiness, I could be happy from a good hair day or reading an uplifting article; it was pure joy. All of you who have held your "only hours old" baby know this feeling. As far as we knew, she was going to be ours; our birth parents made that very clear to us in the hospital. We returned that night. While in the hospital we tried to spend more time talking with our birth parents than doting over the baby, we wanted them to know that we cared about them, it wasn't just about adopting a baby. We were adopting them too. Even now, I call them "my" birth parents... They are a part of my life, though I may never see them again. When we left the hospital that night everything seemed great. We knew adoption was not an easy decision to make, nor one that would come without severe sadness for our birth parents. For the next day, they would sign a piece of paper that would relinquish their rights as parents. Easier said than done, and we found that to be true. Our third day in San Antonio we received a phone call at 7am telling us that our birth parents had changed their minds. I remember the first words out of Tommy's mouth "You're kidding me?!" It was all surreal, like one big mistake. The caseworker that gave us this devastating news told us we could pick up the gifts at the hospital. I had a feeling to go to the hospital then and there, I threw on some clothes and didn't even worry about brushing my teeth. When we arrived in the maternity ward we were met with antagonistic nurses. Just the night before they had been so kind and welcoming and now we received looks like "What are you doing here?" I am not sure what I was hoping would happen, I guess I at least wanted to say goodbye one last time. To us, this felt like a death. We would never see these three people again. Throughout the entire day, Tommy and I wondered how to go on, what happened, and WHY?
She was born exactly three weeks ago today. The first week being home was horrible. We would look at the pictures we took and long to go back a week. Then I started feeling better. I thought, wow, I am going to be okay. I felt like showering again, making dinner - yeah, I could do that. So many people told me I needed to grieve like this was a death. I had looked up the stages and it seemed like I had plowed right through them. Man was I wrong. Each day is a new day and I try to count all the little blessings in my life, it helps keep me grounded, it helps me to deal with the pain I feel. I feel really bad saying this, but this is the first time that I am not happy for those around me who are pregnant or just having children. I see strangers with their baby carriers and just want to scream. But the thing is, I have no idea what they went through to have that baby... It could have been a "surprise" pregnancy (which I tell myself that it wasn't to make myself feel better) but they could have gone through all that I have. Honestly, and here is my weak side shining through, it still gets to me and it still hurts. It hurts because I imagine myself carrying a three week old baby around and I am not. I am jealous. I want what they have so badly and have no way of making it happen on my own. I have to rely on someone to be so self-sacrificing that they would want more for their child than for themselves. Those souls are hard to come by.
I do want to make one thing completely clear, I still love my birth parents. Though I am hurt and frustrated by their decision I cannot make them my enemies. I wish they could realize what we could have given to her that they are not able to but I cannot change the past and I cannot make that decision for them. I know that they love their daughter very much, as do we. And every August 15 we will remember her, I am sure I will count her birthdays just like any parent that has lost a child.
Many people may say "It will happen when it is right" or something along those lines. Those words hold no hope for me. This is not the first failed adoption we have had, it is the third (this year). The previous ones fell through prior to the birth of the baby. I have heard many times in my life that the Holy Ghost is the only one that can bring peace; this adoption, this baby, was the first one that I felt peace about. It felt so right it couldn't be wrong. And yet, it did not happen.
I hope that we will have the opportunity to meet a birth mother that has the support she needs in order to place her baby for adoption. After what we have been through, it truly seems like a foreign concept. But we are keeping the faith, the faith that God knows us and knows where we have been. Faith that the confirmation from the Holy Ghost to continue with adoption means that we will one day be able to bring home a sweet spirit child into our home to raise. It is scary. We have to put ourselves out there again, but the hope that we can feel that much joy again is worth all the pain.

"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It is something quite magical." -Nicole Kidman