Happy Halloween

So, I was blog happy tonight... It's about time, I know, I know!  But I figured I should at least say Happy Halloween before the day is done.
I tend to have a love/hate relationship with Halloween... not sure why but I do.  It could be that my mom really dislikes it (almost to the point of hatred).  I was about 10 when trick or treating was banned from our house, instead my mom would buy us one big bag of candy - of our choice - and we would watch a movie (turn off all the lights and not answer the door... yes... we were THAT house).  It was not my favorite way to spend Halloween as a child, but what are you gonna do?  But I find myself not really liking Halloween but for completely different reasons.

1.  Graham really wants to go trick or treating BUT hates dressing up.  It is a FIGHT every year!!  We tell him if he wants candy, he has to dress up... So he does.  But there are tears ever year.  I am close to calling it quits!  I think he is embarrassed dressing up, like he thinks he looks foolish or something (he is too young to be feeling that way!!  That comes later in life haha).  Once he sees other kids dressed up, he is good to go - but getting to that point... I almost lose it!

2.  Graham and I love sweets and have NO self control.  It is a fight to keep his hands out of the candy jar so I hide it.  The only problem is that I know where it is "hidden", so I end up eating it!  Ahh!  Just say no!  Just say no!!

3.  It is expensive!  The costumes, ridiculous.  The candy, OUTRAGEOUS! 

But we still do it.  I think I go through phases of this love/hate thing I have for Halloween... this year is hate, next year will probably be love (I already have costume ideas... weird, right?).  When Graham was two, it was a "love" year... I made him a cute (and simple!!) Die - the singular of dice - costume.  When he was three: Hate - he wore the die costume from the year before.  Age 4: Love... we grew his hair out and he was Wolverine (Hugh Jackman from the movie not the cartoon blue and yellow one).  This year at age 5... Hate!  He was Wolverine again - except I procrastinated figuring out what he was going to be (because of the hate thing) and his hair was too short, so he got a wig - which was mediocre, he was much cuter when it was his own hair last year... but do I really care?  Not so much :)  Same claws, jacket, and dog tags... new white shirt and pants.  pretty easy.

Also being on Sunday this year, I was less into it.  We kept going back and forth trying to decide if we let him go trick or treating.  We decided not to, and I am really glad.  I mean at church we had a 3-ward trunk or treat and he got plenty of candy there (plus we bought some for kids that came to our house -and have a TON left over).  We told him that Sunday was a special day and we weren't going to go trick or treating BUT he could hand out the candy to the kids that came to our house.  He made sure that we wouldn't be giving out HIS candy and then was totally keen on the idea.  Every time our doorbell would ring tonight (which was only like 10 times) he was so excited!  He would run to the door (still in his church clothes mind you) and hand out candy to the kids dressed up.  I am really glad we made the decision we did (especially because I didn't have to do the "I don't want to wear my costume" meltdown again), and that Graham was still able to enjoy Halloween by handing out candy.  (I don't want to be a complete hag and not hand out candy to the kids in the neighborhood)

So Happy Halloween...


Below are pics from yesterday... you can see his sheer joy and excitement to be dressed up (he almost went as a die again! lol)  Wig is an adult one... so it looks kinda ridiculous, but oh well :)  That means Tommy could be Wolverine too :)

Happy Birthday

Graham's birthday was very low key this year... Since we recently moved, I have not been very motivated to do anything, let alone put a party together.  Luckily, Graham didn't mind at all.  Maybe next year we will do a party :)

We invited my family over and had cake and ice cream, and then did presents.  Graham had been asking all day to open his presents, so he was really excited when everyone arrived!!  He didn't even want cake or ice cream (if you know my child at all, you know that is very strange!!)

I made a snake cake that I copied from my sister-in-law.  I wanted to use fondant like she did but we forgot to go get some... and since his bday was on a sunday, no dice.  But we made do... and Graham loved it.  He even brought down his stuffed snake so I could look at it while I was frosting the cake (hence the white stripes)

Blowing out his candles.... one. at. a. time.

I did two cake flavors: the kids was fun-fetti and the adult's was red velvet (very gruesome, I know lol)

No one wanted the head, which I thought was weird.  I don't think it ever got eaten.

And of coarse Graham got spoiled! He got a big floor puzzle, of who else?  But of coarse Thomas!

How to Train Your Dragon movie- we love it at our house!

And Mavis, the train

He also got Hiccup and Toothless from said movie.  He got nerf guns, and more trains, a CD player (which I am already reporting he has broken the antenna off...), a remote control truck and some clothes.

He was very grateful for everthing he got and shared VERY well with his cousins.

I really can't believe he is already 5.  I know that is totally cliche to say, but it is so true.  He still asks me to carry him (which I do, even though he is almost 50lbs!!), lay with him in bed, he says he "Needs me".  All things that tell me he is still my little guy...However, I know he is growing up. 

The worst part about his birthday was his 5 year old shots.  He went last tuesday and got four.  It was much harder than when he was a baby, because this time he looked at me (while I was pinning him down) with tear filled eyes saying "Stop! You are hurting me"  That is WAY worse than the screams of an infant.  THEN, he was practically crawling for two days because he was in so much pain.  His leg was rock hard, red, and swollen... Poor guy!  I totally bribed him with donuts if he was good (there was a Winchells across the street) and to be honest, he didn't even have to be good - he would get the donut regardless.  It was really just to help him be tough and brave, which he was.  I even had to help him with his pants and underwear when he had to go to the bathroom because just pulling them down hurt his legs too much... I am glad that is over (until he is 11 that is... at least he has several years to "recover"). 

Though I love this kid with all my being, Graham is actually going through a rough stage for me right now.  But I need to remember to enjoy it.  I was talking with a friend the other day and remembering the ease of high school life, but I realized that the challenges I had then, really felt like challenges.  In the future I will look back to now and remember the ease of having one child who was five and wishing I could go back.  I guess our perspective changes once our situations change.  I am trying to enjoy all of the time I get with him because before I know it, he won't be 5 anymore.  I hope that I never look back and wish I would have enjoyed him more.  I love my son so much, I love being a mom.  It is the best blessing I could ever ask for!

Happy Birthday Graham!  I love you!

Big Helper

We have a split rail fence at our house and were needing to put chicken wire up so our beloved Sophie wouldn't crawl under to chase bunnies... and believe me, she would.  Once at my parents house she was in the backyard for much of the day, which she didn't like.... she dug a hole by their gate and crawled under it because she wanted to get out.  I got home and she was wandering around in the front yard.  Another time, she was in her kennel while I was away at work, and she broke it and got out.

So, needless to say, I know it is in her.  We were in the house for a few days before we put up the wire and the front door was open quite a bit while we were moving, and sure enough, we would let her out in the backyard and she would come through the front door.  haha that stinker!

Here is Tommy (above) and my mom (below) hard at work

But the biggest helper of all...

Bob the Builder

Oh wait, that's Graham

He did this all himself!  He came out said he wanted to help and we told him he had to get shoes on.  He comes back out with his snow boots, hard hat and tools.  He gave me and my mom a hard hat to wear as well - safety first!

I love Graham, he makes me laugh and smile every day!!

OCD Much?

I have some, let's call them, "organizational tendencies".  I like things organized and to be in their place.  Well Graham has some wooden train tracks, OK he has A LOT of wooden train tracks and trains.  He used to have a plastic box that was able to house all of them... until Graham and his cousins decided to play inside of it (why is it that kids feel they MUST get into every box??? Doesn't seem like that much fun to me!!).  So right now they are in a file box and they don't fit very well.  SO because of my "organizational tendencies" I sort and stack the tracks based on shape and size so they fit nicely in the box.  It takes much more time but they all fit.  Graham has observed this many times when I help him clean up.

About a month ago, he runs into my room and says "Mom come look what I did"

I come and find this...

He had sorted and stacked his train tracks...

and put them nicely in their box.

The funny thing is that I usually just throw these tracks in the box because there are not many of them.  This was all Graham's doing...

What have I done to my son?

I hope that he does mantain some of my organizational qualities, just not to the point of obsession :)
(he has only done this once, so I am probably in the clear!)

Go Rockies

My brother called on Labor Day and asked if we wanted to go to the Rockies game... His brother in law had gotten 14 free tickets.  We jumped at the opportunity and we got the last three tickets.  It was a beautiful day, with the sun shining - and luckily we were in the shade because it would have been hot otherwise!!

The Rockies we playing the Philies and it was a great game.  The Philies had a couple of big errors that we were able to capitalize on...  It's just too bad they couldn't make the playoffs.  Maybe next year!

Daddy and Graham

 

"CHARGE"

why do we yell "charge" at baseball games? 

My brother and nephew, Isaac.

Isaac wasn't so sure about the cotton candy at first :)

There was a family sitting in front of us that were so nice.  Graham was sitting with Tommy and told him"Your Fired!"

(one of his new favorite things to say) And then and came to sit with me.

The guy in front of us, pulls out a balloon and makes a balloon animal and gives it to Tommy.  He said no dad should hear he is fired, so he was helping him out.  Well, it worked... Graham promptly left my lap to go sit back with his dad and admire his balloon dog.  He continued to make balloons for all the kids around.  He was such a nice man and made our kids day.  I love that there are still people like him in the world today!

All in all, it was a perfect day and perfect game!

I Want to Be Like Dr. Suess, While Wearing a Hat or Riding a Moose

Whenever I read Dr. Seuss books,
     Tommy gives me quizzical looks.

It's all because I start to rhyme,
   After every book
                           EVERY time!

    He rolls his eyes and gives a smile,
Because I rhyme on....  for quite a while.

        "I just can't help myself!" I say
And I continue to rhyme away...
In fact,
        I think I could go on all day!

My dream one day is to write children's stories
    And they'll hit "Best Seller" with all their glories.

I'm sure Dr. Seuss will me, inspire
     And my imagination will catch fire.

    Until that day, I'll continue to read
Dr. Seuss to all my seed.

Your stuff is probably not worth that much

Last night I was browsing Craigslist.  Originally I was searching for bunk beds but then got distracted.  I began looking at every piece of furniture.  I find it extremely hilarious how people think they can get insane amounts of money for old outdated pieces of...  well, you know.  I mean come on people you can't use the words 'Vintage' or 'Antique' if it is just old and outdated.  I love that people write, "we are updating and this isn't the color scheme we chose"... to me that says "the color of this sofa is hideous".  I just kept looking last night and laughing.  There was someone selling a doll house, now it was a fairly nice one, and here is the kicker: they stated they were selling it for only $50 less than what they paid for it (I think they bought it for $150, and where selling for $100) and it was not only used (not meaning that it was in terrible condition but that they bought it for their girls to play with it, and I am sure it fullfilled its purpose) BUT the ad also said the garage was broken and the roof was colored on. 
Anyway, I just had a fun time laughing last night at all the ridiculous euphamisms I read on Craigslist.  I totally get it that the quality of stuff on there is not always great, people are just trying to get rid of their stuff... all I am saying is be realistic in pricing.  We sold a sofa last year for $200 which would go great with a country style home (not our style and it was given to us early in marriage), it was 6 years old but rarely sat on... it really was in great condition... I saw sofas last night listed for more than $200 that you could not PAY ME to take!  I'm just sayin...

Church was awesome!!

So today our ward got really lucky.  We were spiritually fed (at least I certainly was!) by a General Authority.  President Beck the General Young Men's President came to the Denver area on Friday to do some YM training with the leaders.  Tommy went to the training yesterday morning and said that it was terrific. 
My ward was lucky because we were one of two wards chosen in the metro area for him to visit and speak.  Him and his wife spoke in Sacrament meeting and it was so uplifting.  I especially liked Sister Beck's talk.  She started talking a little about when they were called to Brazil, her husband was called as the Mission President down there.  It just so happens that my brother was serving his mission in Brazil at that time. (My brother was really excited that he got to go out to dinner with them on Friday night).  Sister Beck actually mentioned my brother, saying that she was so grateful how welcoming he was when they come.  She talked about the trials she watched the missionaries endure, and talked about how important it was to go through those.  She mentioned her own trials early in her marriage.  They had tried to have children for 7 years before they were able to adopt their daughter, after they had more children.  She said that during those 7 years there were times that she felt Heavenly Father wasn't hearing her prayers.  She said that she learned after the fact that He was listening and was in the process of answering her prayers (it just didn't happen immediately). I have heard many times that things will happen when they are supposed to and that we are to learn from our trials.  But she said something that stood out to me and was more profound to me.  She said that God had a plan for her children and certain things for them to learn, and for those things to happen she had to wait those 7 years.  It seems so obvious and simple but it was just what I needed to hear.  I know that God's ways are not my ways, they are far better, but at times I forget that and just want my way.  I do know that God is aware of me and has a plan for me, my family, and my future children.  What a great talk!
President Beck has a funny sense of humor!  He said that everyone should get the opportunity to speak in General Conference, once... We all laughed!  He also said we should all get the opportunity to sit in a meeting with the Quorum of the 12.  He related some experiences that Elder Scott and Elder Oaks said in one of their meetings about the sacred nature of the Sacrament.  He talked a lot about the Sacrament, and the Aaronic Priesthood and just how sacred the sacrament was, and that the duties of the YM in preparing the Sacrament are sacred as well.
Then I went with my brother so he could introduce me and I talked a little with Sister Beck.  I thanked her for her message, telling her it was something I really needed to hear.  She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug and said that everything would work out.  That our perspectives in the mist of trial are much different than after the trail has passed.  She said that I will have the opportunity in the future to help others in their trials.  It was a tender mercy for sure!
The youth had a combined second hour meeting and since I was just called last week into the Young Womens, I had the privilege to listen to that too.  They gave the youth the opportunity to ask questions and they gave answers.  What was an awesome surprise as well is that the Hillier's were also present.  When we moved out of our last ward/stake our Stake President was Brent Hillier.  In the April Conference he was called to be an Area 70.  I got to serve with his wife, Klaudette, in YW and also in the Relief Society Presidency.  She is one of my all time favorite people and it was so awesome to see and hear from her, she even sat with us in Sacrament Meeting.
Anyway, it was a great Sunday.  Very uplifting.  And I just wanted to make sure I wrote it down and remembered what I heard and how I felt.
The Church is TRUE!

David Beck, General Young Men's President

Please Add Our Button

Over the last two years, many of you have asked how you could help us in the adoption process.  The biggest thing anyone can do for us, is to spread the word.  Adoptive couples are chosen by the birth parents directly and how will they ever find us if they don't know we are here? 

And here is one of the EASIEST ways to spread the word:

Add Our Button To Your Blog

That's it!!  The html code is located on the right sidebar, just copy and paste.

And hopefully all those "blog stalkers" (and the people you know) will click our button and will tell others about us.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot!

HELP! Brain Shutting down, can't read HTML

Ok, I need some help!

I have been trying to make an "Adoption Button" (that all of you can put on your blogs, wink wink) and am obviously having some trouble.  As you can see the link is to the right, but for some reason I can't attach the picture.  I am sure I just have the html wrong, but I don't have the brain power to figure it out right now.  I am using a file I uploaded to Photobucket, and *I think* I may be using the wrong code from there, but really...who knows what I am doing wrong!

So, I am sure that one of you know how to do this, and you will help a "Sister" out... 

 (and then you will add the button to your page, right?!)

Thanks!

Moving Day

So today is the big day!!

(Ok technically we close today and Tommy and I are going to be moving some stuff to the house today.  Tomorrow is the "Official Moving Day"

However, THIS is the day when we can actually put

OUR stuff in OUR house!)

It actually feels pretty unreal.  We have been "in between" houses for quite a while, so the thought of moving into our own place seems almost foreign.  But it is a language I am loving, that is for sure!

My parents have been so wonderful to put up with us for so long.  I am sure it was hard on them to not have their own space... we did kind of take over.  (Before I started packing two days ago, I was thinking 'No Biggie, we don't have that much stuff here, most of it is in storage'  While that is true, most of our stuff is in storage, I was shocked to see how much CRAP we had here.  I joke that we will need to have a garage sale when we are all moved in! haha) 

 But hopefully we weren't too much of a nuisance. 

 Graham would only occasionally go into their room in the middle of the night... I would only occasionally forget to move my laundry to the dryer... Tommy and I would only occasionally take one of their parking spots... Sophie would only occasionally scratch at the door to be let back in...

And hopefully what we contributed helped if we were complete annoyances

Sometimes I would make dinner... Sometimes Tommy would mow the law... Sometimes I would clean the house... Sometimes Tommy would do the dishes... Always Graham would give hugs and kisses when my parents were leaving...Sometimes I would pick weeds... Sometimes Graham would sweep the rocks outside...

But I am sure we all are very excited for this day to FINALLY be here!

I will miss the "free rent" though... 

(and if you want to help, come on by... not sure what I will have you do, but I am sure there is something to do! Or if you just want to come see it... that's ok too)

Kids have nothing to hide!

So a couple weeks ago we met some friends from preschool at Chick-Fil-A

Graham had quite a blast playing with his two buddies from last year (they are in different classes this year)

It was right during the lunch rush, and Graham runs past our table toward the front counter and yells

"I have to go pee!"

(yeah, it was loud)

Then he runs toward the bathroom.

I got up to go with him and he ran into the men's before I could catch him.

I knew the best thing was to stand by the door and wait for him

After a minute or so, he opens the door and begins telling me something.

I look at him and his pants are down around his ankles!!

I interrupted him and told him to pull up his pants

(I mean, people ARE trying to eat you know!)

He interrupts me to continue with what he wants to tell me, and then I interrupt him and tell him to

Pull Up His Pants!

This back a forth goes on a few more times and then I concede. 

I listen to what he has to say, then I tell him to pull up his pants.

He says "ok" as he shuts the door....

but not before his two buddies run in there with him.

I continue to wait outside, knowing Graham is done. 

All I hear is three little boys laughing and making noise.

Finally, I had to knock on the door to tell them to come out... I really hope they didn't destroy the bathroom, but I guess I will never know!

This story just reminded me of the innocence of children, Graham had no problem coming out of the bathroom with his pants down to his shoes to tell me something.  I wish we could all be that confident (or oblivious) of what others are thinking about us!

How to Uplift

After my last post, I have been wondering how to follow that up...  Like I said, I am a fairly optimistic person and I feel like I need a happy post... mostly for me but also for all you out there that are tired of seeing me whine about the hand I have been dealt :) Through all of this I have learned a lot.  Tommy gave me a priesthood blessing a few days after we returned home.  In it I was told to count my blessings.  Over the last month (and one day, but who is counting?) I have done that more than I ever have.  I have found joy and happiness in what I do have, and remembering how truly blessed I am has made this easier (no, not easy... easier).  Everyday I find things that are so small (seeming insignificant probably to others) that truly are blessings in my life.  I think in my mind "I am so grateful for..."  I guess that is one thing I have learned from this, I have learned to appreciate all the small (and large) blessings I have.  I dare all of you to do this throughout your day, and I promise that you will be more happy (even if things aren't exactly going your way).
So I decided to make a list... now, I am starting this list at 11:42pm so keep in mind, I am tired and this is not comprehensive by any means (and they are in no particular order, I am just typing as the thoughts come).

I am Grateful for:

1.  My husband.  There have been many a time that I gloat that I have the best husband out there... well, I really feel that way.  He is not perfect and neither am I, but we are perfect for each other.  I am grateful that he will hold me when I cry.  I am grateful that he picks up my slack and will do the laundry or whatever else needs to be done.  I am grateful that he is an amazing dad... it really says something when your son cries every morning when Tommy leaves for work.  I am so grateful that he honors his Priesthood, that at any time I can ask for a blessing and know that he is worthy to deliever one.  I am grateful that he is extremely service oriented - he is a great example to me of sacrifice. I am grateful that he talks to me, about everything.  I am grateful for the way we are able to communicate and try to work through a problem or struggle together.

2.  Graham.  How lucky am I that I have this awesome kid around all day?!?!  And that he calls me "Mom"?!?!  I am grateful that he will give me hugs and kisses whenever I ask for it (and even when I don't).  I am grateful that he is so passionate.  I am grateful that he is loving and accepting of everyone.  I am grateful that he wants to be a big brother.  I am grateful for his temper tantrums, that I can help him to learn and grow, just like my Father in Heaven is trying to help me learn and grow (when I throw my temper tantrums).  I am grateful for his laugh, because it makes me laugh.  I am grateful for his tender heart.

3.  Faithful friends.  Most of the guidance and comfort I have recieved is from those who understand.  While it makes me sad that they have been through similiar situations, there definitely is strength in numbers.  I love each of them.  I am grateful for friends who have not been through situations like this but have reached out to me and have helped me carry the load.

4.  Family.  Who know there is nothing to say, but are just there for us.  I am grateful that they make us laugh and help us forget our sorrows.  I am grateful that we are sealed.  That we will be together forever, even in the life after death. 

5.  Email.  Yeah, NEVER thought I would say that!!  I usually stay away from all things that have to do with technological communication, most people get my voicemail before they ever talk to me for this reason; however, email has been one of my saving graces through all of this.  When I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it (because no one would be able to understand a word through the blubbering) I could write... and they responded!  In the same breath, I am thankful for Facebook.  I am thankful that I was able to communicate privately with friends that otherwise I would not have been able to.

6.  Prayer.  There have been many times I don't even know what to pray for and I tend to ramble and get distracted, but I still know that Heavenly Father is listening.  He knows me, loves me and is trying to help me get through this trial.  Many people don't have that knowledge, that we are Children of God.  I think it has been so engrained into me that I don't fully appreciate the peace that knowledge brings.  I am grateful to know I am a daughter of God and He loves me.

7.  Jesus.  Enough said, right?  Without Him, I wouldn't get out of bed.  I am grateful for a dear friend that taught me more about the Atonement of my Savior.  That taught me, to find Christ; to read of Him, and learn of Him, is to find peace and healing.  I have always known how the Atonement helps the sinner, but I have now learned how He heals the broken heart.  Matt 11:29 "...learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls."  I am grateful for that new knowledge, it is something that I will always cherish.

8.  My Calling.  I am a Relief Society teacher and I have been preparing my lesson for the end of the month.  It is Pres. Uchtdorf's talk on Patience... how fitting!  But it is an unbelievable talk and I have found peace in his words (if you haven't read it, do!!!  It was from April's Priesthood session).  Patience is Godly.

9.  My House.  In less than two weeks we close on our new house.  I am grateful for the opportunity we have to buy a home.  It has been a blessing everyday that I go to see it, and something new is happening... the walls are painted, the cabinets are in, the carpet is laid.  It has been something to look forward to even when I don't want to look forward.  I am grateful for the road that God has taken us on the last year (or so) to get us where we are. 

10.  Sophie.  My dog is so sweet and I think she has been extra lovey to me lately.  I am grateful that she finally learned how to play fetch, it supplies Graham and I with hours of entertainment. 

11.  My Visiting Teaching Companion.  Lori, You are Awesome!  I am grateful that we stood in the middle of the street last night and talked for two hours about everything.  I am grateful for the friendship that has grown because of your concern for me.  I am grateful that I had someone at church, even when I thought I didn't.

12.  A Past Relief Society President, and dear friend.  Shelly, she is a rock and I pull strength from her.  I am grateful that she sacrificed several hours from her life (on short notice) for me.  I am grateful for all that she has taught me over the last 6 years, especially what she has taught me in the last month.

13.  Cheap Berries.  Seriously!  I bought cheap berries and made Jam, and it made me happy when not much else would.  I am grateful for the motivation I had to make Jam, I needed that and it definitely didn't come from myself!

14.  Crisp Morning Air.  I love fall and am grateful for the change of season.  It actually seems fitting : a change of a season.  It makes me think of Ecclesiastes (or the Beattles, whichever)   

15.  Caprese Salad for Breakfast.  It's what I had today and it was delicious.  It is one of my favorite things.

16.  A Job.  My own as well as Tommy's.  I am grateful for how many new clients I have.  I am grateful that I have been busy since I have been back from TX, I know it is a blessing from God.  I am grateful for Tommy's job; that he can take a day off to go on Graham's field trip with us, for a knowledge of job security(as much as you can have right now at least), for the caring people that work with him, and that I am able to stay home with Graham because he is able to provide for our family.

17.  My Personality.  I know it is actually one of my "gifts".  And what a gift it is to be able to (and want to) smile and to laugh.

... so it isn't much, and it isn't all...  But I am so blessed.  Counting your blessings does help uplift you, I can attest to that.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,

And you will be siging as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings name them one by one. 

Count your blessings see what God has done.

The Truth to the Question "How Are You?"

I have a hard time opening up. I tend to be overly emotional about things, and cry more than I really need to. Over the last few weeks I have contemplated sharing my deepest emotions with the entire Internet, and here I am, writing this post. I try to be an optimistic person and stay strong even when I really just want to stomp my feet and scream "it isn't fair!!" (Maybe that is where my 5 year old gets it from)

The last several years of my life I have been met with trial and disappointment, one right after the other. Through it all I have maintained my composure and tried to learn or grow from these experiences. However, the last few weeks have really shaken my strong facade.

We had the very exciting experience to drive to San Antonio, TX to adopt a baby. We drove through the night and straight to the hospital to meet our birth parents and their baby. Oh, they were so wonderful! I was so excited to finally meet them, to hug them and tell them what amazing people they were. We all hit it off right away, everything was perfect. We got to hold a beautiful tiny infant in our arms and for the first time in a long time felt the joy that comes from child birth.
Before I go on, let me diverge for a while...Infertility makes you feel certain things that you wouldn't normally feel. I was usually very supportive of my (bazillion) friends around me popping out babies left and right. When asked when we would have more children I would make a joke about why we still only had one..."Graham is so wild, I am not sure I can handle more than him". That was just a lie. A lie that made the truth not hurt so much. I took the easy way out, no one really wanted to know why we only had one child anyway, did they? I guess I will never know. That ship had sailed and those conversations are far in the past. Infertility has made me more sensitive to "harmless" comments all around me. "This is the pregnant corner", "Do you want to take mine? He is driving me crazy!" "Are you going to have more kids?" "Don't you think he needs a sibling?" "I'm pregnant and it was an accident". The list could go on and on. I know that most of my family, friends, and associates don't understand what it is like and I try not to take it out on them. I have been pretty good at creating a thick skin these last 5 years, until now...
So we held this precious baby in our arms, thinking she would be coming home with us in just a few short days. After some much needed rest, we returned to the hospital toting gifts and clothing for our birth parents and the baby. We told our birth parents a name we had thought of, and they loved it. They thought it was so perfect they actually changed the birth certificate to reflect the name we had chosen verses the one they had picked just a few hours earlier. After a few hours we returned to our hotel to get some sleep. The next day I woke up more joyful than I have been in a very long time. It was not mere happiness, I could be happy from a good hair day or reading an uplifting article; it was pure joy. All of you who have held your "only hours old" baby know this feeling. As far as we knew, she was going to be ours; our birth parents made that very clear to us in the hospital. We returned that night. While in the hospital we tried to spend more time talking with our birth parents than doting over the baby, we wanted them to know that we cared about them, it wasn't just about adopting a baby. We were adopting them too. Even now, I call them "my" birth parents... They are a part of my life, though I may never see them again. When we left the hospital that night everything seemed great. We knew adoption was not an easy decision to make, nor one that would come without severe sadness for our birth parents. For the next day, they would sign a piece of paper that would relinquish their rights as parents. Easier said than done, and we found that to be true. Our third day in San Antonio we received a phone call at 7am telling us that our birth parents had changed their minds. I remember the first words out of Tommy's mouth "You're kidding me?!" It was all surreal, like one big mistake. The caseworker that gave us this devastating news told us we could pick up the gifts at the hospital. I had a feeling to go to the hospital then and there, I threw on some clothes and didn't even worry about brushing my teeth. When we arrived in the maternity ward we were met with antagonistic nurses. Just the night before they had been so kind and welcoming and now we received looks like "What are you doing here?" I am not sure what I was hoping would happen, I guess I at least wanted to say goodbye one last time. To us, this felt like a death. We would never see these three people again. Throughout the entire day, Tommy and I wondered how to go on, what happened, and WHY?
She was born exactly three weeks ago today. The first week being home was horrible. We would look at the pictures we took and long to go back a week. Then I started feeling better. I thought, wow, I am going to be okay. I felt like showering again, making dinner - yeah, I could do that. So many people told me I needed to grieve like this was a death. I had looked up the stages and it seemed like I had plowed right through them. Man was I wrong. Each day is a new day and I try to count all the little blessings in my life, it helps keep me grounded, it helps me to deal with the pain I feel. I feel really bad saying this, but this is the first time that I am not happy for those around me who are pregnant or just having children. I see strangers with their baby carriers and just want to scream. But the thing is, I have no idea what they went through to have that baby... It could have been a "surprise" pregnancy (which I tell myself that it wasn't to make myself feel better) but they could have gone through all that I have. Honestly, and here is my weak side shining through, it still gets to me and it still hurts. It hurts because I imagine myself carrying a three week old baby around and I am not. I am jealous. I want what they have so badly and have no way of making it happen on my own. I have to rely on someone to be so self-sacrificing that they would want more for their child than for themselves. Those souls are hard to come by.
I do want to make one thing completely clear, I still love my birth parents. Though I am hurt and frustrated by their decision I cannot make them my enemies. I wish they could realize what we could have given to her that they are not able to but I cannot change the past and I cannot make that decision for them. I know that they love their daughter very much, as do we. And every August 15 we will remember her, I am sure I will count her birthdays just like any parent that has lost a child.
Many people may say "It will happen when it is right" or something along those lines. Those words hold no hope for me. This is not the first failed adoption we have had, it is the third (this year). The previous ones fell through prior to the birth of the baby. I have heard many times in my life that the Holy Ghost is the only one that can bring peace; this adoption, this baby, was the first one that I felt peace about. It felt so right it couldn't be wrong. And yet, it did not happen.
I hope that we will have the opportunity to meet a birth mother that has the support she needs in order to place her baby for adoption. After what we have been through, it truly seems like a foreign concept. But we are keeping the faith, the faith that God knows us and knows where we have been. Faith that the confirmation from the Holy Ghost to continue with adoption means that we will one day be able to bring home a sweet spirit child into our home to raise. It is scary. We have to put ourselves out there again, but the hope that we can feel that much joy again is worth all the pain.

"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It is something quite magical." -Nicole Kidman

Just Call Me "Sucker"

So this morning I went to the airport to pick up my friend, Ashli

When we got to her house, I helped bring in some of her luggage.

Her husband says "Did you see those caterpillars?"

"Where?" we all replied...

And sure enough there were four caterpillars on their porch.

Knowing how much Graham would like to see them, I asked for a container...

Why do I do this to myself???

I know, it's because I love to see Graham light up :)

These are called American Dagger Caterpillars.

Supposedly the black "lashes" on their backs are poisonous...

as in they might cause skin irriation.

I told Graham that he couldn't touch these...

1. Because I don't want him to get a rash and

2. Because it would be cool if they turned into butterflies

I am thinking that they will probably die because Ashli said that she sprayed her porch with pesticides about a month ago...

and they aren't lookin' too good.

But really that is ok, because after I did some google research (don't you just LOVE google?  I sure do!!!) I found out that it is actually a moth caterpillar...

this is what it will turn into...

So, maybe I am prejudice... I want our caterpillar that turns into a butterfly to live,

and the caterpillars that turn into moths I kinda want to perish... ok not kinda, hehe.

But who really wants more moths flying into their homes this year because they are attracted to the lights on inside...

Moths must not be very smart for this reason, because in our house they die (with help of coarse) very quickly

(on a side note, I also think deer are extremely dumb.  We travel A LOT and always see deer remains on the side of the road, but do we ever see antelope remains?  No!  So deer and moths are dumb, antelope and butterflies... well, they are at least smarter than their counterparts)

As I was driving home with these caterpillars (and before I found out they would turn into these nasty fuzzy things pictured above) I was thinking about how excited Graham would be.

(and he was, he said these exact words "Thank you, thank you, thank you mommy! Thank you for the surprise!")

So that is why I am a sucker.  I am a sucker because I love to see Graham happy.  He was close to joyful at the sight of these little yellow insects...

But I also have realized something...

I was excited too.

I have been blaming preschool for his love of all things "wild" but maybe he actually gets it from me.  It is really difficult to admit this, but I think I am (partly... I am not accepting all the responsiblity) the cause of this "love"

I guess it could be worse :)

All Critters Welcome!

Ever since Graham studied bugs in

Preschool last year, he has been obsessed with them.

Pretty much every morning you can find him collecting Rollie Pollies into his

Ziploc Tupperware where he has made a mini habitat

(which they all end up dying anyway)

Last Saturday Tommy was outside about to mow the lawn and saw a Caterpillar on the sidewalk.

He went to get Graham, knowing he would love it.

Last year in preschool, they also watched the metamorphosis of a catepillar into a butterfly,

so between learning about bugs and this.... Tommy knew Graham would want to see the catepiller.

Graham brought the catepillar in the house and made a atrium for it as well in a

Ice Cream jug... he put twigs and leaves in it.

We did a Google search to see what kind of catepillar it was...

It is an Western Tiger Swallowtail

(here is the Western Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly)

 

We tried to talk Graham into putting it back on the Willow Tree outside so it wouldn't die...

Guess who won that fight?!

Yep... it was

Graham!

I know you are all completely shocked

So below is our "Critter Corner"  You can see his Rollie Pollie blue Ziploc Tupperware,

His ice cream pail, with his catepillar

And yep, last but not least....

His Tadpole Habitat

can you guess where he got the tadpole??  You guessed it!

PRESCHOOL!!

(at least I know he learned a lot at school, and really loved it!)

So Tommy and I figured the catepillar would die...

but surprisingly he started making his chrysalis

I talked to Graham's teacher and she said that if we handled the catepillar too much

it might die in the chrysalis... so we will see if he makes it.

Let me just say:

I am WAY more excited about the butterfly than the frog... but that is a completely different post...

(maybe on a different day)

I'm Jammin!

Peach or Strawberry anyone??

Surprisingly this was the first time I have ever tried peach jam...

It was amazing!! 

Next I want to buy some Mango Nectar from Costco and make

Peach Mango Jam...

now that would be heavenly!!

Don't Your Feet Hurt??

Okay, so yesterday on the way to drop Graham off at school... we saw a guy running...

completely normal right??

He didn't have a shirt on, but lots of guys run shirtless...

but here is the weird part...

He didn't have shoes on!

And it is not like we were in a neighborhood and he might have just been walking down the street barefoot...

It was at a busy intersection!  Strange!

He must really hate shoes!

Yummy Toast Tomorrow!

*Note to self... don't start making homemade jam at 8:30pm*

So this week at Sunflower Farmers Market they are having some bomb diggity deals on berries.  We just opened our last strawberry jam from last summer, so I thought I am going to seize the deal and buy some berries and make some jam.  I bought $20 worth... 6lbs of Strawberries, 2.25lbs of Blackberries, and 1.5lb of Raspberries.  My first batch (I only made one tonight but have plans for two more: strawberry, and peach) was a mixed berry.

Here are the blackberries before I mashed them.  They were HUGE!  Some were almost as long as my pinkie finger... yeah, no joke!

Here are the berries all mashed and ready to be cooked.

They looked so good I wanted to can (haha get it? "can") the whole jam idea and

just pour this over some ice cream

Here are the sugary berries all hot and ready for their jars.

I couldn't believe how "blood red" it got... Must have been the raspberries

Almost ready for their bath

(do you notice the clock? yeah, that is 10:15pm... what am I thinking????)

Boiling away.... only 9 minutes... can I wait that long??

Doesn't it just look delicious!  I can't wait until morning to have some on my toast...

Sweet! Morning is really only about 10minutes away! 

Ok I really need to go to bed!

Break Your Heart

So everytime the song "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz comes on the radio Graham looks at me with a big smile on his face and says:

"It's OUR song!"  

... "I'm gonna break break break break break break your he-art...

 whoa whoa whoa-o"

He is just like me, hums to the songs when we don't know the words!  (Or we just make up words! haha)

(if you don't know the song it is on my playlist at the bottom of the page)